Understanding Who I am

Affirmation: I am a treasured child of the most high God

Somewhere since last week I have sensed an inward shift. A slight loosening of the bonds that tie me to food. Last night while I was eating supper, I became full, got up and scraped the rest of my salad in the garbage and quit eating. My mom pointed out to me that I had been doing this more and more frequently...fixing more food than I can eat and throwing it out because I was full. Now I need to point out, I am making my normal portions. I hadn't noticed, but I am getting satisfied on less, and it is getting easier to throw out what is left over with out feeling guilt about being wasteful. And this has been unconscious on my part. Not till mom pointed it out to me did I notice. This is huge for me. All the earlier work about eating only when I am hungry, stopping when I am satisfied, the question asking each time I wanted to eat, the saying over and over of the affirmation: "I eat when I am hungry, I stop when I am satisfied". It is beginning to be a truth for me - finally. Now, do I think that there is magic in saying affirmation and answering question? Do I think it will work for everyone, or even anyone else? I don't know. What it did for me was to make me aware of hunger and satiety or satisfaction. I just looked up the word satiety and discovered that it means full beyond the point of satisfaction, unable to take any more. That is not what I thought it meant. So the word I am looking for is satisfaction/satisfied. Being full to the point of satisfaction, but not overly full. This has helped me identify when I was actually physicall hungry or when I was wanting to use food for another reason.

I am also finding that I am not thinking about food so much. I am finding it easier to change this lifestyle away from food obsession by not transferring it into an obsession about making healthy choices, planning meals, etc. As I have been living this lifestyle for over a year now, I am finding a stride in things like grocery shopping. I am finding that I buy the same things at the grocery, I actually eat similar things day after day. I love to cook, but I have found that the less time in the kitchen the better for me. And I have found that I don't miss the flurry of cooking everyday. I keep the saying: "Eat foods as close to the way God made them" close at hand as I choose my meals. Salads, soups, whole grains and cereals, fruit and vegs. Pretty much the same every week. I find that as I have done this I have begun to eat more seasonally too. More simply. Simplicity. Something I have been craving and battleing for in most areas of my life. I do scour the grocery for the few healthy "fast cook" options. Some of the Far East boxed foods, some of the canned soups, pre-washed and cut vegs for nibbling...many of the fast cook things are high in sodium so that is out for me, but I have discovered a way for some of the oriental noodley things to be incorporated. Make 2 meals out of one by adding frozen vegs while you cook the noodles. I usually add some black beans or soybeans to pump up the protien too. Makes a good fast lunch or dinner. I have realized that I need a few things around that are fast and microwaveable dinners. Some nights I don't feel like cooking and having fast available helps to not choose delivery options...Also some nights I just need to not be in the kitchen, even cooking a healthy meal will trigger overeating...those nights it is important to be in and out of the kitchen as quickly as possible. So creating a safe kitchen, with good options, ways to keep me from handling food too often...this seems to be helping.

I am feeling that I am changing the way that I am feeling and believing about myself as well. I have been studying about what God thinks of us, how he thinks of us. It is really rocking my world. There is so much more references in the Bible about how precious we are to God than there are references to his wrath and anger and condemnation. Begining to understand who I am to God has totally broken open my heart and has had a huge impact on this whole area of my life - well my whole life. I am not sure that I can put it into words yet exactly. But it has really begun to free me to love myself, accept myself, and revel in the freedom that brings. God loves me just as I am. He created me...he knew the battles I would face in this life because of the choices I make daily. But he loves me anyway. He totally accepts me, without reservation or condemnation. Not only that, but he has plans for me, plans for a hope and a future, plans to prosper me and not harm me. This is quite freeing and amazing to me