Renewing my Mind

Affirmation: Change happens one choice at a time

Last night I chose to have ribs. I haven't had ribs for many months. I was craving them. So I chose to have them for supper. Of course I over ate - waaay beyond saitey - waaay beyond full. I didn't care, I wanted my ribs. I knew that I wouldn't make that choice again for many more months. But I paid for it. I slept terrible last night. I still was overfull and uncomfortable at bedtime. Made for a restless night. All day I have felt heavy, bloated, and just plain yuckky. I want to remember this feeling. Now I don't necessarily feel guilty for eating the ribs, nor am I beating myself up, but I want to remember this feeling that is the result of the choice to not only eat ribs, but to eat waaaay too many of them. To think that I will go through my life never eating ribs again is ridiculous. But to get to the point where I can choose to have ribs for a meal, eat only until satisfied (not full) and stop. That is my goal here with my relationship with food. Eat when I am hungry; stop when I am satisified. So I want to remember the way that I feel right now, the way that I felt last night so that next time I can remind myself of the consequence of eating to overfull. I don't like this feeling of overfull. I want to be present to this feeling so that it will be easily called up next time I am thinking I want to eat beyond fullness. This feeling is not worth that choice.

In other news I had a Dr.'s apt. this afternoon. I lost 2.5 lbs this month...and my b/p is coming down. Not fast enough for his liking so I am back on a higher dose of the enalipril. But that will change as I continue to loose and continue to get back in the groove of exercizing.

I have been thinking all day about what I wrote this morning about now it is down to breaking the old habits. I keep remembering the verse in Romans 12:2 about renewing your mind.

"Do not conform any longer to the pattern of this world, but be transformed by the renewing of your mind."

Now I know that this verse is not specifically talking about weight loss or choosing to live and eat in a more healthy way. But it is talking about making changes in your life that are permenant. It talks about not conforming to patterns that you have previously been conformed to - changing your habits. The way to do that is to renew your mind...or change the way that you think. If it will work for your spiritual life, it will also work for other areas. What does renewing your mind mean? If that is how you change your habits, then how do you go about renewing your mind? To apply it to making the healthy choices in my life, I think that it is to be viligiant about how and what I am thinking about in relation to food and the choices I do or do not make for health. I think it means to activly guard your thought life...How much of my time do I spend thinking about food? Make the choice to change your thoughts.

re·new

v. re·newed, re·new·ing, re·news v. tr.
To make new or as if new again;
restore: renewed the antique chair.
To take up again; resume: renew an old friendship; renewed the argument.
To repeat so as to reaffirm: renew a promise.
To regain or restore the physical or mental vigor of; revive: I renewed my spirits in the country air.
To arrange for the extension of: renew a contract; renew a magazine subscription. To arrange to extend the loan of: renewed the library books before they were overdue.
To replenish: renewed the water in the humidifier.
To bring into being again; reestablish.
v. intr.
To become new again.
To start over.

The definition of renew. I like "To become new again" and "to start over". But I really love "to bring into being again" I think that we all, at one time knew how to make healthy choices in our lives. To go on this journey to health is to renew that knowledge. To consciously make the choices on a daily basis until my body begins to trust me again and I begin to trust my body to know when, how much, and what to eat. To know and want exercise and movement in my life again. Our bodies were made for movement. Remember how we were as children? How we moved, ran, jumped, twirled, walked, skiped? Our bodies love movement. It was created for movement. I just have to remind it of that by making new choices everyday to include movement in my life again.

To not conform to the patterns of life as I have known it in the past - to renew my mind, my thinking - actively choosing to think new thoughts and make new choices so that I may be transformed into a person who chooses health...life over death.

Light Bulb Moments

Affirmation: I choose the outcome by the choices I make

A frustrating week. This is going to be a post of rants and ramblings. Many thought swirling in my head and I just need to write to get them out. You are warned...cohesion, coherency, or shoot, can't think of another "c" word...anyway...this post may ramble.

My COBRA insurance is running out. I am temping. So I have to find private health insurance. Do you know what that is like for a 290 lb almost 50 year old female? Ya...I am tired of the insurance agents stumbling, mumbling that I can't get insured because of um well you know, your height and weight don't match. What...am I suppose to not KNOW I am fat??? Hey I have a mirror. You are not letting out the national secrets by saying I am denied because of excess weight. Ok, I know that many people are sensitive about the issue. But at some time do you ever think that the world will come to terms that most of the population (well at least in the US) are obese. It is only the women (and men to a lesser extent) in the mags or on the screens that are thin, no emaciated. Balance...what happened to balance??? Where is Ruben when you need him? But out of curiosity I asked the last insurance agent what my weight (for my height) would need to be to be insurable. He told me the range would be 130 - 140. Now this may be reasonable...but I haven't been there since high school. I am not sure I will ever be there again. The goal weight my doctor and I set is more like somewhere between 170 - 180. Well he said he would be happy with anything just under 200. According to him loosing the almost 100 lbs would be fantastic, get me off my b/p meds and make him a happy puppy. So by these standards I will never get insured. How is that fair when someone who is skinny, smoking one or two packs a day gets insured with out a problem? Ok...much of this post is in the vein of sarcasm, I know and to an extent understand the whole insurance guidelines thing...but it still just isn't right!

Phew! Now that that is off my chest, on to other things. This week has been one of enlightenment and lightbulb moments for me. The biggest one I wrote about earlier. That being of it being down to breaking old habits and creating new habits. Sometimes, after all the insight is seen and received all that is left is the work. Knowing the why is very important, but in the end, the work is still left. Only knowing why you use food will not automatically guarantee you becoming healthy and fit. BUT it will help you to understand and see the habits, and as they say, seeing is believing. Now if I can get this knowledge to motivate me to do the work. It still remains that the work of it is still as hard as the soul work, the emotional excavations...maybe harder...because all excuses are removed and you stand naked and transparent before yourself an excuse or reason to blameshift. If I choose not to exercise, or to eat ribs and fries smothered in bar-b-que sauce, or even binge on something healthy, I do it in full knowledge that it is me choosing to do this...with full knowledge that it may still be motivated by emotional baggage, but it is still my choice and choosing that choice allows me to remain in the prison of fat I am in now. So the question remains: Do I want to change more that I want to remain the same? Do I want health more than I want to use food as a crutch? What do I really want more? Of course I say I want change...but my actions belie that point.

I am not beating up on myself. I am trying to sort through all the thoughts, trying to see where I am at this point. It has been a year since I have begun this journey to health that has not been motivated by the diet mentality, but motivated to look at what lies beneath my actions and choices...to see how and why I use food. It has not been easy, certainly it has been enlightening. But I think that the biggest light bulb moment is that by doing this I have removed all excuses to remain this way. By "this way", I don't just mean fat. I mean using food to comfort, distract, soothe, celebrate, be companionship, all the things I have used food for. Now I know, I know 2 things: that I have been using food to meet needs beyond nutritional and that knowing this no longer gives me entre' the world of excuse making anymore. No longer can I say I am fat because...... Now I know I am fat because I am choosing to eat, make unhealthy choices, and choosing to not exercise. In a way this is freeing. In the past I have felt so out of control, I didn't really know or understand why I did the things I did. I most of the time felt like I didn't have control of my choices. Which was extremely disconcerting to me as in every other area of my life I did. In fact it is one of the creeds I live by...take responsibility for my choices. If things go wrong, don't blame others, look and learn from it, make better choices next time. But in the area of food and weight, not so much.

Another light bulb moment (well this was maybe a fluorescent light bulb...it has been flickering on in my brain for months now) is that I have to find a way to meld my seriously busy lifestyle with eating healthy foods fast. Much of the time I have to eat out or on the run. Eating out does not mean restaurant eating - too expensive and too much time - it means literally eating on the run, in the car, on the way from work to evening meetings. I don't have answers to this yet. I have not successfully figured out how to do this when I HATE packing lunches. I am never that organized in the mornings and usually too tired at night when I get home. Now the obvious would be to slow down. But I love what I am doing right now so that is not an option, although for a while it will be a bit slower than it has been the past 6 weeks. But my life has always been one of going 90 miles into the wind...don't think that will change much now. I know that there is an answer, I just need to take some time this weekend and realistically think about ways to do this. Again I think that it will need to be a mind shift about how much and what kind of food I need through the day. One of the habits I am seeing that I need to break is how much I need to eat. I am not eating all that I plan for each day. But if I don't plan and bring "enough" I get those fear feelings that I am going to starve by the end of the day. How annoying is that??? See feelings are not rational! But you have to get them out of the head to see that.

So I think that this weekend I will spend some time brainstorming. I may take a walk around the grocery store and see with new eyes what the healthy choices are that are also "fast foods" kinds of things. One thing comes to mind...you can get baby carrots individually packaged in serving sizes. Now I could do that myself with a whole big bag and zip lock snack size bags. But the truth is for me that I haven't. I don't want to take the time, but more important I have realized that handling food (ie cooking, food prep, etc) is an eating trigger for me. So I try not to do that as much as possible. I need to do what I can to choose healthy things that don't need a lot of prep or can be made once and last for a few days to be eaten over the span of a few days.

Gotta run...gotta start this day

Plans, Hope and a Future

Affirmation: I choose the outcome by the choices I make

It has been a year since CHIP. And phycially nothing has changed. I have gained back the weight I have lost...and I am back on my medication for my b/p as welll as another for my water retention. I know that I have spent the past year working on the deep issues, the inside work. And there has been progress there - Group has helped. But I am still frustrated that I am not seeing phyciacal evidence of it. Somehow the two have to meld and I have to start seeing changes in my willingness to change eating habits. I know that I am dealing with how and why I use food. But I am also coming to the conclusion that in many ways I am down to habit. I have a habit of eating too much. I like to eat, I like the taste of certain foods. I don't like to exercise. I am beginning to see that the next step is to begin to create new habits and let go of the old habits. They are not serving me anymore. Many of the old wounds are healed, long time ago. But I got used to feeling hurt, that I haven't really let go of the idea of the hurt. And in some wacked out way I think that some of the issues provide a backdoor for me in case I fail...i always have something besides my own choices to blame my failure on. It is just time to begin creating new choices. To begin to create a new history for me...a history of wholeness and healling...a history of good choices...a history of accepting that the way that I think about myself and see myself is so different from how God sees me. That even what I want for myself is nowhere near what God wants for me. Jeremiah 29:11 says:

"For I know the plans I have for you" declares the Lord, "Plans to prosper you
and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a futrue."

This verse has been rumbling around in my heart and brain for a few months. I keep asking how does this apply to this journey to health and wholeness. God does not see me as broken and needing fixing. He sees the possibility and potential in me. Enough to have already made plans for my life. He has plans for a prosperous life. Money? maybe, but I think it goes deeper...prosperity of spirit. Prosperity of realising the successes I am able to have. Prosperity of doing what is so deep in my heart that I am afraid to speak it out loud? These are what produces hope in a soul doesn't it? For me, much of what is holding me back from doing what I really want to do, at least in my mind is my weight. The physicality of it. I get tired, I can't stand on my feet, I can't physically keep up with the life I would like to have. God knows this frustration. His plan is to give me hope and a future.

Pain in the Back

Affirmation: I exercise every morning

My back is still bothering me. Muscle spasms, what agony. And the hard part of it is that you just want to find that position where there is no pain and stay that way forever, but that only really makes things worse. You have to move, you have to stretch, you have to not give in to the pain. But this weekend I pretty much did. I had no choice. I have been going 90 miles into the wind for the past two weeks in spite of the pain. This weekend was a small window of nothingness so I took advantage of it. Our cable went out, which meant no internet access. So the whole weekend I had planned spending doing research on the internet sitting in a chair (oh so good for the back) didn't happen. I ended up getting a couple of videos and crawling into my flannel jammies and laying on a heating pad and watching movies. It was cold and rainy today and cool and windy yesterday so it felt good to just snuggle. Tonight my back is better. The best part of this is that I haven't had much of an appetite. I am going to try to get back on the bike tomorrow morning...Even if it is only for a few minutes. I have to keep moving.

On another note, I had my first comment posted to my blog! Thanks Sarah! Her blog has been both an inspiration and a motivation since I discovered it a few weeks ago. Check her out.

I did spend part of the time while watching the movies collecting the last of the quotes for my food journal book I am creating/writing. I also spent a few minutes at a time at the computer (as long as I could sit) plugging them into the spots where the needed to go in the proof version of the journal. I am almost finished with this project. I have a few more quotes and a final proof read to do. Time is running out, I need to finish it by the end of the week so I can show it to some printers and get estimates on printing costs. A. wants to use them in her next eating disorders group session and the CHIP sessions end at the end of the month. I am quite excited about getting this project printed. There is also a possibility that the bookstore at church may want to sell it as well. I am also toying with the idea of selling it on e-bay or at cafe-press. Not sure yet though. I would have to check out the copyright issues first.

I just recently finished this book "Passing for Thin Losing Half My Weight and Finding My Self" by Frances Kuffel. Listen to this quote from the book:

""Because I'm afraid. I eat when I'm afraid..."

I heard this. It was the truest thing I had ever said. This was my heart and my guts talking, every blood cell in my body condensed into five words.

I heart but I didn't listen. I wasn't ready. It would be ten years before I listened and acted.

But I knew." (pg 19)

Well I am off to dreamland. Another week begins now, another chance to do it right!

Changing

Affirmation: I choose the outcome by the choices I make

So today has been crazy busy at work. I didn't get a chance to stop for lunch, so I scavenged leftovers that they had set out from a luncheon meeting (usually good food). Bar-b-q beef and baked beans. It tasted ok...Or rather I think I would have thought so a year ago, but I have so lost my taste for these kinds of things. It was too salty (me, who used to add salt to McD's fries, ms. Salt shaker will travel), and too greasy. Who would have "thunk it" that my tastes would truly change...So now I sit here at my desk smelling the awful smell of half a plate of beans and bar-b-q in my trash can. Remind me next time to dump the rejected food somewhere else...Like the break room one floor below me. Who would have thought that the smell of any food would nauseate me. Hmm maybe there is progress after all!

I find myself surprised by the small victories and changes I come across each day. Surely this is a sign that the deep soul work I have been working on is creating change, the areas of healings are taking place, and the mind shift and paradigm shift from a diet mentality is happening. The work is hard, painful even. But I am more and more convinced that without this work loosing weight on a diet is only a temporary measure and not taking care of the issues that got me here at almost 300 lbs. I am also convinced that as the deep work I have been doing and continues begins to create changes in the way I think, feel, and look and do life, the other elements will catch up and begin to happen in my life. You know; those things that look like a diet, exercising, weight loss, and yes even a more consistent way of eating. But I have gone far enough that I am beginning to see how these changes are beginning to transform my life and my thinking.

I am getting ready to do a study on how God sees us and feels about us/me...And how it relates to self-esteem. I am thinking that this is a crucial part of the puzzle for me. One that I haven't really known how to go about looking at. But it is stirring deep in my heart. For so many years when I have tried to talk about this seed of an idea people misunderstood what I was trying to explain. Many people believe that people really do love themselves as is shown by the fact that we eat, don't do harm (mostly) to our selves, etc. And on a certain level I suppose that is true. But on a deeper level, I am sure that many people who struggle with weight/eating disorder issues (at least the many I have had conversations with) also struggle with self contempt/low self esteem/self hatred. Yes we live life, care for the basic needs, even are successful, but deep down where even we don't want to look most of the times we do not like ourselves. We do not think we are worthy. And this is where I think that to understand how much God loves me (us) and esteems me (us) and is for me (us); that knowledge can transform lives.

Why Do I Not Do What I Want to Do?

Affirmation: I create the outcome by the choices I make

Why do I struggle so with exercise? Why can't I just choose to do it everyday? It is no secret that I hate doing it, but I also feel so much better after it is over. Shouldn't that be incentive enough? Apparently not! So what is at work here? Is it just a plain issue of discipline? Obediance? Or am I trying to sabotauge myself? Or do I not love myself to push myself in this last huge step to becoming healthy and creating a healthy life? Probably all the above. So what to do about it?

But I am having small victories. Today I had chinese food for lunch - been craving it for ages and decided that today was the day. I am full and satisfied and have only eaten about a 1/4 of a lunch portion. Not so long ago I would have eaten the whole portion plus an egg roll and soup. I even am able to throw it out because I don't want to eat it two days in a row, and it was easy to throw it out. Now I know that may sound like a crazy kind of thing to you, but wasting food, not eating it has been a difficult thing for me to overcome.

Another small victory...well this is actually a huge victory. I have really lost my taste for fast food. In my hectic pace I am finding myself continuing to check with my body to see if it is actually hungry and choosing to not eat when I am not - even if it is meal time and I am going into a meeting or something where food may not be available for a while. I am learning to live with the feeling of hunger with out getting too panicky. I do try to keep a bag of nuts, dried fruit and kashi mix or something in my purse for those times when the blood sugar drops and I get the shakes. But that is happening less and less lately as well. I suppose that my body is getting used to not being fed constantly and learning to keep a more balanced level for a longer period of time...don't know, but sounds good eh?

I love this having the conversation with your body to check if you are really hungry. I am learning to trust my body and it's responses and it is learning to trust me to feed it when it is really hungry and not over feed it 24/7.

Small victories. Today on the bike for 10 minutes this morning.

Struggling

Affirmation: I choose the outcome by the choices I make

Today I am struggling with keeping focused. Well not just today, but the past couple of weeks. My back is having muscle spasms. I am tired and draggy all day. No, I am not exercizing. One would think that based on how much better I feel when I exercise regularly it would be motivation enough to keep doing it, to make it a habit. But nooooooo, somehow I wonder if I like feeling icky and sluggish. One could assume that based on my choices of not exercising and not eating lately.

But I am not giving in, nor giving up hope. I am convinced that I am on to something here. My ladies in my group keep telling me that the work and changes are happening on the inside and are visible on the outside and soon my body, choices and actions will eventually catch up and truly become a lifestyle. I know this is true, but not today. Tomorrow maybe, but not at this moment in time. But I have hope.

I am feeling more and more convinced lately that the peice that is missing for me is the spiritual one. Specifically to understand and believe how God sees me. To see the extent of his love for me, the plans he has for me, and the future he desires for me. The group, not being based in spiritual things can only address spiritual issues in a general manner. I know that at the root of my "stuff" (and many women's issues related to weight and body image) is and unhealthy or lack of self-esteem - even a self-hatred. Many women struggle with this. For me, I know that I do not have a real understanding of how God sees me or the depth of his love for me. It is hard for me to personalise the love that is spoken about in the Bible. I know it is true, I believe it even, but not on a personal or gut level. More and more I am beginning to think about the ramifications in my life if I truly took God at his word about how much he loves me. It is not that I need proof of this love...how much more could he prove it than to die for my sins? It is that somehow I have not taken it into my system at the cellular level. I know he loves me, I believe he loves me, but it has not really impacted my life on the depest levels. Yes, His love has changed my life, but yet, there is this part of my life that is unaffected by it. Or perhaps it is that I don't feel worthy enough? Well of course I don't, that is the issue here. And of course none of us are worthy of his love or sacrifice...that is what makes it so awsome. But perhaps the secret of truly accepting myself and loving myself is to accept and understand the vast extent of His love for me.

To this end, I am beginning a study on looking at what God says about his love for us.