Affirmation: YES! I CAN!!
Ok...so December was an utter failure. But don't ya just love the new year? It is so full of promise and hope. This year looks to promise a lot of change in my life; good changes in my life if not in my weight. I have to admit that I am a little discouraged in the lack of physical results in the last year. I have honestly put a lot of effort and done a lot of internal work on this. Yet at the same time I know that ultimately there is the physical equation of:
"calories in must be less than energy expended"
I eventually must begin to decrease the amount of calories I eat and increase the exercise I do. But that isn't happening right now. And the question is why? Why do I resist exercise? I don't have the answer for that yet, but I am continuing to ask and listen.
Last time in group I was complaining about not loosing any weight this last year. A asked the question of what would happen if you never lost the weight you wanted to? I have not liked to think about this question, even though it has been in the back of my mind for a while before she asked it and almost constantly the past two weeks. My first reaction was "then what is the use?" I mean, why work so hard to deal with the underlying issues, become aware of need vs. want, hunger levels, other calming/coping methods besides food, all the stuff that has occupied my mind this past year. Why deprive myself if I will never loose weight?
Then I became angry; at myself, at God, at food, at life, at anyone who happened to say hi to me....well almost! But as I continued to think about this, I realized that it still has to be about more than loosing weight. And that is the hard part. Because deep down it is still about how I look and the insecurity of being unacceptable at almost 300 lbs. Of still struggling to look at myself in the mirror with gentleness, love and kind thoughts. Of still struggling to find beauty in the person, yes even the physicality of that person standing there looking back at me. Of assuming (many times rightly so) that people don't take the time to see beyond the mass of body into who I am. And, really, am I doing any more? If I can't do it for myself, can I even expect anyone else to do it for me? Which shows me that this isn't about food.
It shows me that it is still about learning to loving myself enough to accept myself. Will I love myself any more if I am thin? I mean really? Will I really be any different, at the core of who I am, when I am thin? Of course not, I am who I am. Being fat has nothing to really do with who I am at my core, only the way that I feel about myself. And food is only a tool I use to numb the pain, distract me, entertain me, calm the nerves, celebrate, commiserate and compensate with. It is a reason to have a party in my mouth because I am not allowing myself to have a party in life! So back to the question about what I would do if I didn't loose any weight. Well I guess this little tirade has helped me see that I need to come to a place that I will continue this process irregardless of loosing weight, because it is more about how I choose to live my life than what I do or don't choose to eat. It is about how I continue to choose to believe a lie and how I choose to think and feel about myself rather than believing the truth about who God says I am. (A treasured child of the most high God! Psalms 139:1-18) That is a tough one, but I do want to get there.
I also have been thinking a lot about the quote Kerstin left in my comments (see sidebar at bottom for quote). I think that this capsulates where I want to go this year with this journey. I have done a lot of the soul and internal work this past year. This past year was all about focusing on the issues behind the food. I am ready to move on to other things in my life. I am ready to let go of food. Now I know that there will still be a lot of ups and downs, but I am ready to concentrate on the other areas of my life, the areas that will fill me up, rather than using food. This year looks to be a year of new opportunities and new beginnings. Tomorrow I will start training to be a PWTP life coach. I have been asked to become a group leader in women's ministry at our church. And can I tell you that our women's ministry leader rocks! This is not "church ladies" women's ministry! These woman rock! I also sense that my role as caretaker for mom may increase this year. As I watch her do less and less, she is able to do less and less. I don't know how much longer she can stay relatively immobile and retain her health. (But that is for a future blog I think). And there is my art. I want this year to be about making art, about making time to make art, and finally taking the risk to exhibit and sell my art...even if it is on eBay! And finally this year is going to be about de-cluttering, thinning out, lightening the load, simplifying - no celebrating simplicity, letting go if all my stuff both emotional and the physical - especially the physical! Not just the fat, but all the stuff I have collected and sits in boxes because I don't have anyplace to put it. When I finally am able to have my own home, will I even like any of that "stuff" anymore? hmmm I wonder if "lightening the load" of my stuff will have an effect on my emotional/bodily physical/emotional lightening the load journey? heheh
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