Changing

Affirmation: I choose the outcome by the choices I make

So today has been crazy busy at work. I didn't get a chance to stop for lunch, so I scavenged leftovers that they had set out from a luncheon meeting (usually good food). Bar-b-q beef and baked beans. It tasted ok...Or rather I think I would have thought so a year ago, but I have so lost my taste for these kinds of things. It was too salty (me, who used to add salt to McD's fries, ms. Salt shaker will travel), and too greasy. Who would have "thunk it" that my tastes would truly change...So now I sit here at my desk smelling the awful smell of half a plate of beans and bar-b-q in my trash can. Remind me next time to dump the rejected food somewhere else...Like the break room one floor below me. Who would have thought that the smell of any food would nauseate me. Hmm maybe there is progress after all!

I find myself surprised by the small victories and changes I come across each day. Surely this is a sign that the deep soul work I have been working on is creating change, the areas of healings are taking place, and the mind shift and paradigm shift from a diet mentality is happening. The work is hard, painful even. But I am more and more convinced that without this work loosing weight on a diet is only a temporary measure and not taking care of the issues that got me here at almost 300 lbs. I am also convinced that as the deep work I have been doing and continues begins to create changes in the way I think, feel, and look and do life, the other elements will catch up and begin to happen in my life. You know; those things that look like a diet, exercising, weight loss, and yes even a more consistent way of eating. But I have gone far enough that I am beginning to see how these changes are beginning to transform my life and my thinking.

I am getting ready to do a study on how God sees us and feels about us/me...And how it relates to self-esteem. I am thinking that this is a crucial part of the puzzle for me. One that I haven't really known how to go about looking at. But it is stirring deep in my heart. For so many years when I have tried to talk about this seed of an idea people misunderstood what I was trying to explain. Many people believe that people really do love themselves as is shown by the fact that we eat, don't do harm (mostly) to our selves, etc. And on a certain level I suppose that is true. But on a deeper level, I am sure that many people who struggle with weight/eating disorder issues (at least the many I have had conversations with) also struggle with self contempt/low self esteem/self hatred. Yes we live life, care for the basic needs, even are successful, but deep down where even we don't want to look most of the times we do not like ourselves. We do not think we are worthy. And this is where I think that to understand how much God loves me (us) and esteems me (us) and is for me (us); that knowledge can transform lives.