Struggling

Affirmation: I choose the outcome by the choices I make

Today I am struggling with keeping focused. Well not just today, but the past couple of weeks. My back is having muscle spasms. I am tired and draggy all day. No, I am not exercizing. One would think that based on how much better I feel when I exercise regularly it would be motivation enough to keep doing it, to make it a habit. But nooooooo, somehow I wonder if I like feeling icky and sluggish. One could assume that based on my choices of not exercising and not eating lately.

But I am not giving in, nor giving up hope. I am convinced that I am on to something here. My ladies in my group keep telling me that the work and changes are happening on the inside and are visible on the outside and soon my body, choices and actions will eventually catch up and truly become a lifestyle. I know this is true, but not today. Tomorrow maybe, but not at this moment in time. But I have hope.

I am feeling more and more convinced lately that the peice that is missing for me is the spiritual one. Specifically to understand and believe how God sees me. To see the extent of his love for me, the plans he has for me, and the future he desires for me. The group, not being based in spiritual things can only address spiritual issues in a general manner. I know that at the root of my "stuff" (and many women's issues related to weight and body image) is and unhealthy or lack of self-esteem - even a self-hatred. Many women struggle with this. For me, I know that I do not have a real understanding of how God sees me or the depth of his love for me. It is hard for me to personalise the love that is spoken about in the Bible. I know it is true, I believe it even, but not on a personal or gut level. More and more I am beginning to think about the ramifications in my life if I truly took God at his word about how much he loves me. It is not that I need proof of this love...how much more could he prove it than to die for my sins? It is that somehow I have not taken it into my system at the cellular level. I know he loves me, I believe he loves me, but it has not really impacted my life on the depest levels. Yes, His love has changed my life, but yet, there is this part of my life that is unaffected by it. Or perhaps it is that I don't feel worthy enough? Well of course I don't, that is the issue here. And of course none of us are worthy of his love or sacrifice...that is what makes it so awsome. But perhaps the secret of truly accepting myself and loving myself is to accept and understand the vast extent of His love for me.

To this end, I am beginning a study on looking at what God says about his love for us.